I’ve never watched a bride walking down the isle in her father’s arms while the bridegroom waits at the other end. The bride is handed from one man to another, like an expensive object. I’ve never watched a couple standing in front of the priest with their eyes fixed on each other and hearts trembling like a guilty man waiting for the verdict from a stammering judge. I bet it is one of those moments that you never want to come. I don’t know if you’ve expected something so much, so anxiously, so wholeheartedly, that you wish it never came. You wish it never came because you know that there’s nothing in this world, not in the foreseen future, would give you the same amount of excitement. You know that life is a line of ups and downs, and it makes sure that after a peak you have only to hit the low.
Have you ever wondered why you know so much and so little at the same time? Nothing surprises you, because everything falls into a pattern that you’ve grown to know by heart. Then everything surprises you, by itself and by the significance it carries. I’ve never watched a couple soaking each other’s face with tears while a room of audience is staring. They’re staring, but they pretend to be elsewhere, doing laundry, climbing a mountain, fishing, making lasagna. Have you ever wished that you were present and absent at the same time? Imagine doing laundry on someone’s wedding. Look how much I value your happiness; I brought my washing machine along. A guy called me two times the other night, very late. I saw it the next morning at 6 o’clock when I woke up with the sun shining on my face and car horns honking to my ears. I didn’t sleep that well, you know. Summer is coming without giving me a breath of spring and a chance to sort my wardrobe. I struggled out of my bed with a grumpy face. Where there used to be a vase with yellow lilies now has an invisible hole. Do you know what an invisible hole is? It makes your heart stumble. “Last night I went to a friend’s wedding dinner and had a lot to drink. Then I missed you. That’s why I called you.” “I thought you wanted to invite me to your wedding.” “Who invites people at the middle of the night?” Have you ever paused abruptly in the middle of an argument? Suddenly you forgot what your ground was and where you were going with your lousily-knitted speech. All was just so vain that you’d rather lie down on the couch and pretend to have a nap. All leads to nothingness. You can’t win an argument if you don’t care about the result. Yesterday I met a man on a friend’s birthday party. He has lived in many countries and speaks at least eight languages. I watched him talking in fluent Chinese with a slightly weird accent and a wild glossary of words. Then I remembered someone who asked me about a plan. Plan for what? I’m sure you wouldn’t understand me. We’re not born into this world to beg for others’ understanding, are we? I sat there and listened, and felt a surge of inspiration as every time I encountered a life-changing character who just never stuck around long enough to see my evolution. To see me grow older and become a better person. To get my invitation to my wedding and stand in the audience to watch me walk down the isle. To bear witness to me being sold, body and soul altogether. But self-actualization is a luxury. I discarded my email three times, and the fourth time, I sent it. A friend said once he wanted to live in a mountain for a year to find some answers, but he didn’t in the end. “Why? You found your answers?” I asked in curiosity. “No, but instead I found out how to find them.” You’re either having dinner or on your way to dinner. There’s no other way, because dinner is indispensable. After dinner you’d have a few drinks; then you’d call someone you never had enough courage to call. The person whom, once upon a time, you could never have imagined would simply disappear. How are you? Yet you have no idea what else you could ask to make the conversation out of ordinary. I’m not going to stay here forever, if that’s what you’re asking. Forever does not exist, to begin with. You know, in some secret moments I’d hope to get calls from the past, so that I know I didn’t come from stardust. So I know that I didn’t make all these memories up to rationalize my self-indulgence. If stability is really that important, we’d be legless by now. And handless. And headless. And turn into trees. On the day of someone’s wedding I thought of you. I was just wondering if you’re okay and if there’s someone to keep you from loneliness. I get it.
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