那天在微信群里跟猫阿和阿徐同往常一样扯一些有的没的。猫阿说,黑豹一直在跟另一只黑豹打架,跑来跑去。我说,久违的自由吗。因为猫阿之前在瑞士时的室友要求很严格,不允许黑豹在客厅里乱窜。我去探望他们的时候,黑豹总是悠悠地在房间里踱步,不禁让我怀念起我们在惠新西街南口客厅里被他撕破的沙发。说到久违的自由,我随口提到分手的事,寥寥几句,才发现许多事追其究竟不过都是负担,实在太重的时候,就只好卸下一两件,至于卸下的是哪件,并没有过多区别。卸到什么都没有的时候,也许就会有一种裸奔的快感吧。但这个“久违的自由”真的很好听,不是吗,很像许茹芸的歌名。
前段时间终于开始读Escape From Freedom,大约同时在读五六七本书,有一种看不见时间尽头的感觉。自由有两种,消极的和积极的。消极的自由是摆脱想摆脱的,积极的自由是去做想做的。囚犯所追求的自由和企业家所追求的自由,大约是两回事。但是人是依托于社会或者团体而存在的。这并不是说人无法独立于他人而存在,而是完全独立的存在不是最优的选择。另外一本与自由毫无关联的书Never Eat Alone强烈地表达了自我与他人之间关系的重要性——在现代社会,在很大程度上,与他人的关系成为了对自我的定义,在纷繁社交网络中的位置成为了对自我的定位。说到自我与他人的关系,最近在读一些关于集体主义与个人主义社会中不同的自我构念(self construal)的文献。虽然不需要学术研究就可以很直观地理解,社会意识形态与价值观的不同造就了对自我与他人认知的差异,但有许多细微的研究发现是我以前没有想到的。比如,独立型自我构念的人更倾向于做出基于内在因素(如性格)、主观的定义,而关系型自我构念的人更倾向于做出基于外在因素(如环境)、客观的定义。一个美国人会说,他是一个小气的人。一个日本人会说,他不经常借钱给别人。再比如,中国人在一项对脑力投入较高的任务中的表现比美国人差的原因,可能是因为他需要拨出一部分脑力用来考虑如何对他人表示尊重与服从。越写越像是在写论文。把这些东西夹杂在一起说,是因为即便不同文化与社会之间自我构念的差异继续存在,一方面两者之间有同化作用,另一方面,在绝对意义上,可能两者都是在向一个更加关系型的趋势发展。相比于二十年前,当今社会要求个人拥有更大更复杂的社交圈,而维护这样的社交圈,就必须在一定程度上懂得如何满足他人的需要、如何给予先于索取、如何娱乐大众。等等。 说回到自由。所以Fromm说,人们渴望自由却又害怕拥有自由,因为那代表着他们除自己之外,无可依靠。当然,这里的语境是宗教与上帝,但是所要表达的意思都是一样的。当一个孩子突然脱离父母、收获自由的时候,可能会想要回到之前所唾弃的牢笼。因为独立于他人而存在,哪怕不是完完全全地,也是需要很大勇气与力气的。没有人帮助你遮风挡雨,你就必须学会建造房屋。说到宗教,最近由于巴黎查理事件,引发一系列关于穆斯林的思考与争论。之前在伊斯坦布尔买了一本讲中东历史的书,没有怎么看懂。前两天看了一篇America Alone的读书笔记,虽然有一些危言耸听,仿佛穆斯林将在两年内占领世界,但是不乏许多有理有据的论点。宗教是什么,我也不知道。因为每个宗教是不一样的,不只是教义,也是它在政治经济文化生活中所占的地位。记得某天晚上跟教我踢踏舞的大妈聊天,她说她退出基督教而加入佛教的很大原因在于,佛教对信徒的条条框框要少许多。信仰是一回事,一切基于信仰的衍生品又是另一回事。如果前者是什么冥冥之中高大上的牵引力,那么后者无论如何都是是非之徒所生出的事端。但是想一想,人生在世,无非就是徒生事端,人之本性罢了。追求逻辑的人总会问,先定义何为好,何为不好。但是如果先由自己来定义好与坏,然后再依其行事,这本身不就是一个悖论吗。 说到最后我自己也是很糊涂了。脖子后面那一块疮总是好不了,又痒又疼。
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Who was there by your side when you stepped into 2015? Not that it matters. In my case, it shouldn't have.
We had four tickets for the Willie Nelson concert but only three people. We arrived early at the Moody Theater. When we passed by a small group of people standing outside, an elderly man asked us, "Willie Nelson tickets?" We didn't stop. He turned around to his group and concluded, "they don't understand English!" I said with raised voice, we understand English, but we have tickets already. The man burst into laughter. So did I. I do like the general good mood of the people here, regardless of the degree of authenticity. The "how are y'all doing today" with a large smile every time, even if they don't expect any answer. We sold the fourth ticket for 1/4 of the price to a ticket dealer, because why not. I would have invited the hilarious Uber driver on our way there, but he didn't take us seriously. I don't think he takes anything seriously. Actually I would have invited anyone, but who would be all alone on a New Year's Eve? I mean, at least they wouldn't be walking around so audaciously to aggravate their sense of loneliness. At some point, as people gradually filled the seats after the show started, a guy came to the seat next to mine, alone. Before he even sat down, he introduced himself as Robert and asked for our names. He reminded me of Russell in Almost Famous, but more handsome. He was wearing a dark red leather jacket, slim jeans and pointed-toe boots. He has a slender figure and long curly hair. He said he's from somewhere near Fort Worth. Do you know Fort Worth? I nodded. We had a no more than ten-minute conversation, and I'd already learned more than enough about his life. You're very smart, he said. He also said I should move to Austin because of how awesome Austin is. I meant to ask whether he bought the ticket from the ticket dealer out on the street or he chose where to sit at random, but I didn't. He kept offering to buy us something to drink. When Willie Nelson finally came out on the stage, they started the New Year countdown. he came back with a beer in his hand and gave each of us a happy new year hug. The only happy new year hug I got for my 2015. Gotta remember that for a while. When Willie started singing Angels Flying Too Close To The Ground, Robert asked if I knew all these songs, and then held me with his right arm throughout the song. Would I have preferred to be somewhere else with someone else? I doubt it. Would someone have preferred to be there with me? I doubt it. Everyone is in the moment and place where he or she is supposed to be. But actually at least this friend from my hometown must have preferred that. He sends me a message every other day, expressing how much he misses me and loves me. Practically since middle school. He's unhappily married with a kid. I never understood it but now as I grow older, I try to empathize. He said, I just want you to know that someone's thinking of you. He said, do you want to be the mother of my daughter. Quite a few people asked me to go somewhere or stay somewhere with them. Quite a few people would have happily and gratefully shared a life with me if I had given nothing but the consensus. And then most of them got married and settled down, and I'm still alone on a new year's eve. Well technically I was not alone; I had two good friends and a man with a dark red leather jacket on each side. And I'm not saying that being alone is not what I want after all. The only person with whom I would have rather been was somewhere smiling humbly to some woman in some glamorous palace, and he said to me, you should always insist a bit more. You must think I'm out of my mind. The other day I had a conversation with a friend, and we agreed upon the fact that we have got to stop making every critical life decision wrong. I said he should come to Austin. He said he had to fly to Chicago, together with another wrong life decision. Many friends asked me about new year resolutions. On one hand, I don't want to make any because I never follow them. On the other hand, this bestselling book I picked up at the airport about Habit told me that it's absolutely viable to form a new habit or overwrite an old one. I'm gonna work on that after I finish my report. See, procrastination again. The photographer friend who's traveling with me just handed me a collection of his photography works as a new year gift. I suddenly want to cry. We said goodbye hastily after the show was over. I said, happy new year. He said, happy new year. He has a very well-structured face, despite the intrusive hair. Then we left. While we were waiting for a car, I saw Robert with his dark red leather jacket across the street. He was just standing there, all by himself, as if waiting for someone, but unsure who that would be. For a minute, he didn't seem to move. Then he suddenly took some decisive strides towards a certain direction, vanishing into the night. You were always on my mind. Willie Nelson sang. I was not as sad as I thought I'd be. |
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