Every time I read an autobiography (or just a biography, for that matter), in this case Little Wilson and Big God, part of me cannot stop wondering why I should spend my precious time strenuously going through the mundane details from another person's life, not only irrelevant to me but also bygone and obsolete to the author him- or herself. I don't know what we are looking for in this, if we are looking for something at all. The similarity that consoles us or the contrast that strikes us? What would you rather find out, that we are all the same or we are all so different from one another that we can hardly be considered the same kind of creature? The same thing I wonder about my own songs and words. How much do those who hear/see them really understand? And even if they do understand, do they understand it the way it is intended? It's just some very general wondering that presents itself once in a while.
In a song from the new album of Sun Kil Moon with radically expressed and lengthy lyrics, I heard these lines: Maybe you can't relate to this song Maybe you're a millennial and you don't know the references at all Maybe you'll hear it and say, "I prefer your older songs." Or maybe the world has changed and I'm not that songwriter anymore It did cross my mind, "I prefer your older songs". Maybe the world has changed and he is not that songwriter anymore. And so what. What do we live for. What is better for a songwriter, to be appreciated by millions because your songs are ceaselessly repeated like a broken record on the radio in the clubs in the shops that sell things you would rather yourself not be associated to but then so what, or by one person who truly hears what you mean and the vulnerability that you had to reveal in your songs because without that vulnerability you are no longer you. It's not a rhetoric question; I do not know what is better. I never know what is better. I don't think there is one option that is better than another option on all fronts, in all dimensions including those we do not yet know. Maybe that's why you need that autobiography. That's why you need to create some evidence of your existence. That's why you need the songs you wrote when you were 20 and also the songs you wrote when you were 50. Not to see which is better. Not to be judged how much you changed. But to be sure that you did live your life through all those years, when one day your memory starts to shatter.
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Sufjan Stevens is what I reckon as one of the true musicians. His music is the kind that instead of stands out, blends in, almost on a subconscious level. As if it is and always has been a part of life itself. The kind that when you listen to it, you wonder how can you ever live a life without music, how can we ever understand each other if we don't understand each other through music. I have a very moderate appreciation for him, as what I have for Mark Kozelek - I barely remember their names but I cry every time I listen carefully to what they have to sing, delicate and truthful and full of soul.
I saw that Sufjan is going to have a concert in Paris in July for his new album Planetarium with other collaborating musicians at Philharmonie de Paris. I checked the ticket immediately, and they were plentiful. Then I hesitated, is it worth taking two days off and flying out there for a small concert. Some days later I checked again and they were sold out. I almost regretted my heart out and hated myself for not making swift decisions. Then a day later when I checked again, there were some last tickets available. I stared at that webpage and hesitated again, do I really want to go to a concert alone, do I really want to pay 200 euros for the flight to Paris. Then again they became unavailable. This happened a few times. And I wonder why. Why do we long for things the most when they are not available and hesitate the second they are within our reach. Is it a general aversion to commitment? Or is it because we're unsure of how much we want it so it can only be expressed through wanting it when it's not there, the most and least form of it? Is it a fear of being disappointed with our expectation and head held so high? I don't know the answer. But when I look at the greyed button "acheter", I feel as if I swallowed all the regrets in the world. Should I tear my eyes out now? Everything I see returns to you somehow Should I tear my heart out now? Everything I feel returns to you somehow Find me in streets searching for something Something somehow that I lost Find me in life aching for someone Someone as good So I spent my evening not reading my new book from Anthony Burgess Little Wilson and Big God. Life is too short for authors I can't enjoy and people I don't love. Gnight. |
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